Journey towards Modesty

A glimpse into my pilgrimage for a more modest life

Ramblings March 21, 2017

Filed under: Uncategorized — teartaye @ 4:26 PM

I don’t know what I want to write, only that I must. The words must pour forth, like paint onto a canvas, for this is my way of painting. The creative fire at my fingertips is crying to be allowed to burn, but it has no fuel. I’ve starved it for too long, the flames sputtering into dim coals. And now I am cold, alone, with no one to blame but myself for this lack of vitality within my soul.

I don’t know what to write. No stories swirl around in my head – not even mine.

Everything has changed. The past eight years seem like a nightmare that I couldn’t wake up from… and once I did wake up I realized it’d been real. I’m left with a completely blank slate. I need to find remnants of who I used to be, to clothe the nakedness of my soul in. I need to figure out what I want the rest of “me” to look like. Run towards it with every straining step I can muster.

I need my dreadlocks back. That’s an easy one. Being skinny again is another easy thing to think of. Loving Hanson and chocolate were never in question. Poi, spinning poi is good. Maybe I could start riding again?

Do I want a tattoo? How do I want to dress?

Who am I? Did I ever really know who I was? The lumps, bruises, and scars from a physically abusive relationship heal way quicker than the scattered mess left behind after emotional abuse. I still sometimes feel like I must’ve been the one in the wrong, that there was something in me that brought out his darkness, or caused it. That without me it never would’ve been there/surfaced.

I must write. I must be a writer again. This is also an easy one, though the creative fires must be stoked before it will become something simple.

Are you ready to find the spark inside and let it burn? I am.

 

Ta-Dah List for Today February 4, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — teartaye @ 9:58 PM

~ Cleaned up the kitchen
~ De-cluttered the living room (mostly…)
~ Did my income taxes
~ Read two books to Jasper (it’s more impressive than it sounds! He spends at least half an hour eating each book while I’m trying to read it)

This list would sound more impressive if the two and a half hours I spent trying to get Jasper to have his afternoon nap were spent in my own afternoon nap ūüėČ

 

Wow January 17, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — teartaye @ 1:02 PM

So, last night I took my fast acting anxiety med right before Joseph went to visit a friend…
Forgetting that I was supposed to stop taking the fast acting one when the slow, long term medication started to kick in… It wasn’t pretty.
And while I couldn’t stand and was half delusional and more than half unconscious I kept trying to get the baby to stop crying. I kept wondering why he was crying and trying to feed him and I think I managed to change him at some point in time all with no luck.
It was only when Joseph got home and DS stopped crying immediately that I realized he knew something was wrong with me and was “calling” for help.

Every day a miracle. Just amazing, when you think of it… isn’t it?

On a more cheerful note we spent half an hour this morning cuddling with the kitty. DS is getting better at being gentle and, of course, Dusk is still incredibly patient.

 

Oops December 12, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — teartaye @ 2:16 PM

So J (my 3 month old son) was eating and got a bit distracted so he wasn’t actually latched on.

Cue a sharp finger nail being dug into my nipple.

Cue me screaming OW.

Cue J starting to cry.

Cue me frantically trying to calm him down. It ended with me saying “I’m sorry, I know you’re sorry, can we start over?” I’m sure he didn’t actually understand but it worked.

We leave for Calgary in 3 days. EEEK!

J is in the six month size already. I swear someone stretched him out the past couple of weeks. No more baby chub.

I didn’t get any of my goals done this weekend, but at least today is a new day and I can try again. The dishes were half done before I had to stop to nurse… next is the laundry and after that is something from the million things I need to get done before we leave.

 

Goals December 9, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — teartaye @ 4:30 PM

I have a question for anyone bothering to read this: What do you do, when the best thing you can do for someone else is to take better care of yourself? How do you get over the feeling of guilt?

Yeah, I’m not depressed or anything…

Goals for this week:
~Do the dishes everyday
~Catch up on laundry
~Go for a walk everyday
~Goto bed by 10pm
~Read the bible a bit everyday.

Okay, maybe I am depressed. No mocking my goals allowed… Once I have a handle on the basics of my life again, that’s when I’ll start doing fun/growing things.

Next week’s goals will be incredibly different since we’ll be in Calgary, but starting in January I’ll do goals on a monthly basis.

And DS has definitely noticed the cat this week. We all sat cuddled up on the couch yesterday and J was “petting” Dusk for about half an hour. We have a wonderfully patient cat, btw.

 

Quick update December 8, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — teartaye @ 3:58 PM

Well, I can’t believe it’s been almost two years since my last post…

 

I moved. We live on the Sunshine Coast in BC now.

Wait, we?

My husband and I. And our new little baby.

DS will be 3 months old on Saturday. He laughed last night. He also grabbed my nose this morning when I asked him where it was.

He’s currently sleeping in his chair right now. Took me forever to get him down and I finally gave up and left him to goto the bathroom… came back downstairs and he was conked right out.

 

Reasons I don’t think my current inability to eat properly is due to hormones still:

~ My hair has started falling out again

~ I’ve had a migraine for the past week an a half. I didn’t have a single migraine the entire time I was pregnant

~ The muscles in my neck have seized up again. Goodbye Relaxin, you will be missed!

 

I am getting seriously tired of feeling nauseous after every meal I eat (well, every meal I eat after about 11am).  I bet I would have more energy if I could eat, too.

I can’t keep the pill I was prescribed down. Going to have to call my doctor about that.

We fly back to Calgary in a week. I am not looking forward to it… Almost passing out during take off was bad enough when I didn’t have a baby to look after. At least Joseph will be there to help this time. Hopefully my adverse reaction to flying was¬†solely¬†because I was pregnant. But, then again, we thought my nausea was because I was pregnant too!

I had a grapefruit for breakfast this morning, with a bit of sugar sprinkled over it. Took me right back to mornings at my grandparents’ house. That was back when my grandmother wasn’t crazy… I miss her. I know she’s still here and all, but I miss the woman she used to be.

 

Can’t wait to have ten days off. Still need to buy my grandfather a present. Taking pictures of all the birds that live/migrate through here and identifying them will have to wait for another year… since I have no pictures to work with. Oy.

 

I don’t know what it is about the Terry’s Chocolate Oranges, but I can never stop eating one once I start. Mmmm chocolate.

 

Conclusions and Resolutions January 5, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — teartaye @ 12:03 AM

So I’ve come to two new conclusions about myself.

The first is that I’m a perfectionist, and while the generalized label I’ve been aware of for a while, the realization that it’s inhibiting my blog posts has just hit me (sometimes I’m a bit slow). So, no more not posting because my ideas “aren’t good enough.”

I have a lot of posts floating around my brain because they’re not perfect. Hopefully “not perfect” doesn’t translate to horrid or unreadable. No guarantees though.

Second is that as much as I might put “rules” on my clothes, the feeling inside is what’s really driving this. I deserve this. My body is mine and I can chose who to show what part(s) of it. No one has the right to tell me that I need to walk around in a state of dress that makes me feel uncomfortable/naked.

In other words, when I say, for example, “my skirts must cover my knees” it isn’t because of this rule or Anna said so, or the bible says so, or whatever, but because I feel better dressed that way.¬† Better as in more comfortable, confident and lady like, not to mention safer and prettier. I will have to post a why-post soon.

As for New Year’s Resolutions. I do the whole word of the year thing, from Christine Kane.

This year my word is Integrity. From dictionary.reference.com (I think if you type in “dictionary.com” that’s what it redirects to, but I use it so much I only know the “real” url…)

1. adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty.
2. the state of being whole, entire, or undiminished: to preserve the integrity of the empire.
3. a sound, unimpaired, or perfect condition: the integrity of a ship’s hull.

So this year I hope to further develop/explore my personal moral code and to live by it. I also like the sound of being “whole” again, more on that in my next post.

I find it ironic, since last year my word was discipline. Which to me means doing what needs to be done, whether I feel like it or not. This year is figuring out what I should be doing (now that I can do it even if it’s hard to do!). I hadn’t planned that when I chose either word, either. One of those things that happen and leave me wondering, awed, how I could possibly think this life is random and unplanned.

As for run of the mill goals (you think I didn’t have any?) my three biggies are:

1. working out three times a week,

2. cutting down on chocolate and

3. sleeping better (ie going to bed and getting up at regular times and not oversleeping)